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[04 Mar 2003|02:43pm]
[ mood | drained ]

well as a first note this will probably be the last time i am going to right in this journal, and i am sorry but this is going to be sooo god-dmab depressing as well. have you ever thought that life was just going so great and then every thing and i do mean everything turns the fuck around and you just feal like life would be better if you werent there. same here. i wronged the one person that giving me a chance to even redeem myself. how the fuck could i do that. what the fuck is my problem. i only seem to hurt the ones that i love the most. i cant take it anymore. im gong crazy. i havent slept in about four fuckin days. my mind wont stop repeating itself. and now i am just a stupid drunk at a computer feelin sorry for myself. what is my fuckin problem. i cant seem to do anything right anymore even if i try. i sent a fucking letter into child support telling them that i was out of work and trying to find a fucking job. and as soon as i found one that i would start sending them money. well one i had a hard time cuz every one wants a person that can work weekends but i cant cuz of Chris. i am not gong to do that. my weekends are Chris and my time together. i cherish that. so now they are giving me a court hearing and telling me that im going to be arrested. just when i finally start to get work again. you know what fuck this i dont know wha the hell thath i am saying. just let them arrest me im a dead beat dad anyway i m worthless no good to anybody. i dont talk to any of my family and all of my friends hardly talk to me anymore cuz im not worth the time its all true please arrewst me so i can have some tipe of sollitudeand iff not arrest me then im probavly just gong to comitt myself cuz i dont know i need help i cant take this anymore im soor y dont listen to me im just a loser drunk thats all i am and all ill ever be a loser a nothing .thats it imout i cant do this anymore im out tis not whorth every bodys effort id dont know im outt

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[22 Feb 2003|11:02pm]


ok just needed to do that
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[11 Feb 2003|03:16pm]
[ mood | awake ]

well for starters life is stalling on me. cant find my ss card and i need that for my rehire. and julie is out of the picture. we kind of both decided that we could be better friends. and that if we wanted sex to call. i say thats cool. now i am kind of tied into this girl named sue. she is cool as shit but her only downfall is that she doesnt think highly of herself at all. but im working on it. well got to go to work.

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[05 Feb 2003|12:58am]
[ mood | glad ]

well its been a couple of days and so far life is starting to turn around i think. starting full time at ruby's again but this time im becoming half a cook and half a server. so that will be great cuz i will still have on hand cash plus an awsome check cuz they are starting my cooking salary at 10 an hour. on top of that i am probably going to get my old job at wawa back full time and the guy said that they are going to try to start me at my old pay, 9.50 an hour, which will kick ass. cant wait to go to asbury park. its going to be great to see every one there. this time meg is coming and honestly i am really glad to be doing this with her. tommorrow i am putting my nova in the garage at my friends shop and he is going to finish my engine for me since ill have no time to work on it. after that i am gettting a whole new front end for it and a new paint job. hopefully it will be ready before asbury park. sold my piece of shit cavalier and im driving around in my dads 2001 mirage, for two months while he is out at sea. or until i get the nova done. hopefully soon.

other than that i am now seeing this girl julie who is awsome. she is 20 and with a great personality and an amazing gorgeous kickass body to go along with everything else. i dont know how long its going to last cuz everthing seems tooo perfect. well if things go wrong ohwell. thats life.

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[25 Jan 2003|08:13pm]
[ mood | awake ]

well i didntwrite in my journal cuz i was kinda incapacitated. yesterday was kinda of a busy day. had to go and pick up chris from megs moms house and take him to a doctors appointment. he has another ear infectection or a start of one. later that day my cusousin ricky and i went to go and pick up chris's medicine and on the way home we got t-boned frome this jerk.ricky's car got all fucked up and we got banged up pretty bad but we are ok. so we decided to go back to my house and get shit faced. other than that it was a pretty lame day.

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[23 Jan 2003|08:55pm]
[ mood | good ]

wow, i havent written in this thing for the longest time. i think that this will be an ongoing accurance from now on. well alot has happened from the last time, and i mean alot. it has been almost a yesr since i was living with my ex and it has been a trying year. i lost the job with her father's company and that is great trust me.i am currently unimployed but is is good cuz i think that i need a break. we still talk and get along great but unfortunatly i know that we still lie to each other. like a week ago we had a really indepth talk and she brouhgt up the topic about sex. she wanted to know how many people that i have slept with since we were broken up. i told her five. unfortunatly i lied since i have slept with more women than that. i guess that i could count about eight. but she doenst need to now that cuz when i told her five she got all jealous and defesive about it. she told me that she only slept with two but i highly doubt that, dont misunderstand me, i only think that cuz she is a cool and very attractive girl and i think i know her better than that. and i can only hope that i am wrong. but it doesnt really matter to me. things are going great and the only reason i think i talk to her is cuz of chris and that sometimes she decides to talk to me as a real person. i know that i still love her to death and probably always will but right now it is better that we have our fun. other than that boring crap life is going pretty good. im going to mad paries and i am meeting sooo many people, constantly making new friends and the amount of girls i meet are astronomical.now just to get a job and finally start that business that i always wanted. good luck to me =P

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[03 Apr 2002|07:01pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

today i had off from work cuz i had to got to court for child support. well that went well cuz now i only have to pay for daycare which is 25 dollars a week. after i called and picked up anna and we went lookin for this forclosure house in philly that i wanted. turned out that it as sold out of under me. so i called the realtor and he told me about this other house. well it was on the 2900 block fo this street and we ended up on the 6900 block so we decided to go and pick up chris from daycare. sot hat was my day. kinda dissapointing. i really need to find a place or a room mate.

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[17 Mar 2002|03:43am]
last night i went out with andy, lauren, and jaymoo. we all went to primal urge to get holes put into our bodies. andy got his othe side of his lip done, lauren got her nipple done, jaymoo just waited. and i did the craziest thing of them all. i had both of my nipples done and then immediatelt stretched them to 12 gauges. it hurt really bad but was worth it. today they hurt and the cold makes them hurt worse. but thats ok. i love them.
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[25 Feb 2002|07:20pm]
why me, why me
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why me [25 Feb 2002|12:42am]
[ mood | grateful ]

tonight was a great night for me. i hung out with my friends beth and andy. we went to ruby tuesday and had some coffee. just talking. it is very comforting to know that i have so many friends that will be there for me when i really need them. granted sometimes i dont see all of them that much. i just wanted to say thanx. for everything you guys and gals do for me. tonight i told beth and andy what my theory on how you truly know you love someone is. this is how know i love meg and how i am able to put up with all the stress she is putting me through right now. and this one i made public cuz i want people to tell me if i am tottally wrong or just plain crazy.

ive heard alot of my friends, especially guys, tell me that they love this girl. and i always ask them how do they know. it is the same response mostly every time. they give me the list that they are beutiful, great, funny,blah blah blah blah. so i ask them is that all. usually they get offended at this point. i say let me explain. this can go both ways for girl too. think to yourself for just one moment. this doesnt take long. have you ever stared at your significant other. i mean really looked at them. it didnt even have to be more than just ten seconds. i should even say have you, i meant to say can you. can yu stare at them for even a fraction of a moment, but make it seem like forever. can yu do it and not think anything at all. not think how beutiful they are, or how lucky you are, or how you just want to jump them right then, right there. not thinking how much you love them, or how you feel about them. no motions or emotions at all. can you do for no reason at all. not even for the merepleasure of just staring. nut cuz some reason you just cant help it. where you dont even think of the past with or with-out them, or even the future. where you just know or even just realize that for some reason you are staring at them as if you first laid eyes on them. then your mind skips and you realize. not that you want to be with this person for the rest of your lives, but that every time you look or will look at them. it is as if you are looking at them for the first time. that is what i mean by do you love them. i guess you could say instead is can you really see them, in order to actually really love them, you actually have to be able to see all of them. that is why it is possible for blind people to fall in love to. remeber they see even though they are blind.
my usual reaction to that is a blank stare off into space as they bring the beer or drink to thier lips. then after a brief moment of silenc they say" dude i never thought of i that way, and a thanx". but i do want more opinions so please tell me that i am tottally wrong. ok ive rambled on enough. g-nite

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[16 Feb 2002|07:59pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

well today megan told me that i am the one acting distant now. kind of confused me at first. because why shouldnt i be acting this way. she is the one that wanted space remember. then we got into a dicusion about how she doesnt want to make me change the way i look. shes noticed that i have taken charge of my responsibilities more which is good. but the way i dress she said that i could do what ever i want. oh well thanx there. i didnt know that i needed your permission. i think i kind of realized that the way i look is the one big factor why she doent want to go out with me. i mean out as places to go. she also said that she still loves me for every thing else that i am it is just my appearence. some times i wonder what attracted her to me. hey you know what i just realized. i am the classic story of beuty and the beast. as long as we are not seen in public she can see me for the inner beuty that i maybe hold inside, but it is my appearence that makes her not want to be seen with me. im just asking myself if that is all it takes, or if it is worth it. i am soo confused. tonight we are going out for her birthday with everybody and i decided to dress up alittle. it wont help though. ill just drown my anger and pain. beuty and the beast but reversed. isnt it funny. everybody laughwith me now. maybe it will help me to feel better.
ohyeah. i just wanted to thank all of my friends, for everything .

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